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Welcome to the Celebrate Recovery Mental Health Minute. I am grateful to be here in the presence of my CR Family and of my Savior Jesus Christ. I have won the battle over mistrust of people, depression, and loneliness. I still struggle with isolationism, codependency, and other mental health issues. My name is Scott.
I said I have won the battle over some of my issues, that does not mean I am cured or that I recovered fully from them, it simply means that I remain undefeated against them. I can now recognize them for what they are and know full well I cannot interact with them. I am often asked how can I tell that I have lost my sobriety in mental health? With chemical or substance abuse it is easier in that you lose that sobriety when you actively engage with it, you consume it. Let’s take the idea of loneliness, my addiction of choice of over 30 years. I still battle this dragon in my life; however, it is no longer a war or even a battle – it is more like a like bantering or skirmish. I have left the lair of my dragons and have found the light and freedom of God’s creation. Now, if like substance abuse, I were to stop at the entrance of that lair, turn into it and begin to enjoy my old life again, then I have lost my sobriety. Through the grace and love of my family, my CR family, and my Higher Power, Jesus Christ, I have, and will continue to overcome the battles of depression and loneliness.
Mental Health is a national concern that is gaining more attention, research, and resources as we move forward. Mental Health topics once thought of as taboo are being brought to the light so that they can be dealt with, and we are successfully breaking the stigmas around mental health topics. Celebrate Recovery is taking an active stance in continuing to address mental health and walk with, not “fix,” one another as we face our hurts, hang-ups, and habits. This month one of the larger national campaigns is around Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, simply put “seasonal depression.” Today however, I wanted to dig a little deeper and look specifically at one element of SAD. Many times in our Christian walk we will encounter the element of loneliness, this is not to be confused with chronic loneliness, which is what we are going to talk about today. Loneliness is a temporary feeling of disconnect or lack of social connection. When you feel alone at the school dance because no one is asking you to dance. It hurts but it’s spell is easily broken when someone does, and you then have the time of your life. Chronic loneliness is a persistent and ongoing state of feeling lonely for long periods of time even when surrounded by close people and events. This can result in negative health issues like depression, poor sleep, impaired decision making, heart issues, reduced immunity, mental thinking decline, relational issues, financial issues, addiction issues, and even death. Yes it is possible to die from loneliness, a broken heart. Loneliness was my best friend for a very long time, so this is not a foreign concept to me. I have claimed victory over chronic loneliness and the short answer as to how – I found my victory through CR!
Just a few years ago at church I had a member of the church staff tell me “You spend too much time in your head, you need to be more involved with others.” She said this because she knew I was battling loneliness and depression, she also believed that this was against being a man of faith, so I was dishonoring God and Faith. She saw that I was spending a lot of time processing my thoughts, writing, and just finding my place isolated and alone. These are some of the misconceptions about loneliness. That you are “alone,” that you are “spending too much time in your head,” that you “isolate too much and need to be with others.” While some of this is true and real, loneliness is very real to the person experiencing it and they can be just as lonely in a crowded room. Even when you have lots of social contact and support it is still possible to feel lonely, especially if you feel ignored, misunderstood, interrupted, or condoned. There is an overwhelming feeling of isolation regardless of whether you are alone, in a crowd of strangers, at work with trusted colleagues, or at home with family that we deem close. This is especially reinforced when we reach out to family, friends, church, community and it is not reciprocated, and we feel we are not as important to others. This church person had what she believed were good intentions and words of wisdom, but in reality they cut me deeply, I truly did not feel understood and this lead to further abandonment by her. When her words were not heeded she eventually verbally rebuked me and dealt me with another blow of abandonment and hurt.
I want to share a sketch I did a few years ago when I was struggling with severe loneliness and depression. This was how I felt as I was ignored in a crowd, and I felt alone. Being at an event is one thing, but this is how I felt at “family gatherings” when my wife would have all of her kids and her family around, when I was at a church or a church event, and when I was with my ex-wife and “friends” at social gatherings . I was alone, I was lonely, I was stressed and full of anxiety. I wanted to feel accepted, to interact in a meaningful way, but now my anxiety was too high, and I felt trapped. When my anxiety was high I isolated, I felt less than others, I began to compare myself to others, and struggled with social interactions, I felt the wave of loneliness overtake me. The point here is that loneliness is part of a vicious cycle that attacks our mental health that can lead to other mental, physical, and life issues.
I found this picture out of Europe that says, “My mental health has made me lonely” which leads to “Feeling lonely has damaged my mental health” which leads back to the “My mental health has made me lonely,” and you begin to see where this goes. When we begin this hamster wheel of perception we may experience exhaustion from the internal and outward pressures of trying to engage socially. This leads to further symptoms like sleep issues, weakened immune system, poor eating habits, and for us it can lead back to our comfortable old hurts, hang-ups, and habits.
What causes this cycle to begin? For me, not having an understanding of the broken relationships I was in because I was a broken man. For other people it may be life events or experiences such as loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, career change, becoming a parent, a recent move to a new location, a medical condition, or as we are in the middle of the “holiday season”-how about Christmas? Research also suggests that you are more vulnerable to loneliness if you have a small, or no, bank of close friends. Maybe you are estranged from family, friends, church, or feel lost and confused as you move from your old lifestyle as you take off the old ways and put on the new. You experience discrimination because of your new lifestyle, stigma because of your disability or long-term health issues, or the willingness to accept the challenges of mental health issues that led you to this new place of understanding. Worse, you have had trauma due to sexual, physical, mental, emotional, financial, and/or verbal abuse which causes mistrust of others and PTSD around close relationships which lead us back to having little, or no, close friendships.
The cycles of loneliness run deep here, the lies that loneliness tell us are so cunning and convincing. Loneliness is common, but it can be very distressing, especially if circumstances are harsh. In Psalm 23 David expressed his confidence that God was present with him even as he walked through the valley of the shadow of death. Now, in Psalm 25, he is facing dark shadows—dangerous circumstances—and therefore needs a fresh sense of the Lord's presence. Psalm 25:16 David says, “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.” Like David we need to turn from the lies of loneliness and ask the Lord for friendship and deliverance from loneliness and distress. To have that confidence that the Lord will not abandon us even in our dark shadows.
How do we manage loneliness in a way that promotes us to climb out of the cave and enjoy God’s creation? One thing I learned to do was to be comfortable with my own company in the presence of God. Remember being alone with yourself does not mean you are lonely. Even having lots of social contact around doesn’t mean that loneliness will flee from you as loneliness is linked to self-esteem and self-confidence. I was more lonely in the presence of supposed family and less lonely when I was alone working. What ways can you find to be less lonely when being alone?
Maybe going for a walk and using 5-4-3-2-1 as a way to fully immerse yourself in God’s presence. What 5 things do I see? What are 4 things I can touch or feel while you walk? (just remember leaves of three are bad for me). What three things do I hear? What are two things I can smell? What is one thing I can taste? Keep a sensory sticker on your favorite water bottle to help if you need it.
Maybe, before you begin to engage with others you need to focus on taking care of yourself first. It is important to find yourself not in the identity of your own or others labeling but in that of Gods. Only God has the permission to label you, to define you, to name you. This comes with a bit of caution though, remember we as a follower of Christ should not be alone for too long, the message bible puts it this way in Ecclesiastes 4:10 “It’s better to have a partner than go it alone. Share the work, share the wealth. And if one falls down, the other helps, But if there’s no one to help, tough!” For a short time if you need to be alone then do things that improve not only your mental health but your physical health. Go for a walk, a hike, a motorcycle ride, a horseback ride. Take the dog for an adventure day. Take a picture. Garden. Go to the Gym. Read a self-help book – may I recommend the best self-help book out there “The Bible.”
Many of us have experienced loneliness and it is scary to talk about, especially to other people. Here is where we get the advantage of our tools of recovery. Remember Principle 4 “Openly examine and confess my hurts, hang-ups, and habits to myself, to God, and someone I trust”? This is no different, when we hold back the dragon of loneliness it only grows more powerful in our lives, it feeds and grows more powerful within isolation and secrecy. Being able to normalize mental health means to openly share and confess my hurts, my loneliness to someone I trust and through that we begin to find healing and freedom from its hold on us. This confession doesn’t have to be a word dump, take it slow, it may be overwhelming at first. You are stronger than you think you are. If you have accountability partners, sponsors, or trusted contacts through CR use them. Have those real conversations and break the stigma that is in your mind
Another way to break the hold of loneliness is to learn to engage with the community around you. This may start with simply being more friendly with the coffee barista, the cashier at the grocery store, or someone right here in the safety of our CR family. Begin to establish a routine of this, and watch how you find strength in it. For me I began to quit doing my homework at home, I went to various coffee shop and sat for hours in the presence of others. I began to form connections with the staff and was able to eventually talk to others and invite them into conversations. The connections with staff came with free coffee at times, which was a bonus. Don’t be afraid of seeing a counselor, a therapist, a psychiatrist, they are there to help you in this season. I found one and eventually outgrew her because I needed more God in my sessions, I soon found a Christian counselor and a year later I found I was strong enough to go at it alone with the tools I developed in those sessions. Did you know many counselors don’t even have couches in their rooms anymore? Speaking of counselors and psychiatrists - Freud once said “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” Our emotion of loneliness is no different, the dragon will grow if we live with it and try to hide it.
Another way to engage with your community is to volunteer somewhere that allows you to be a part of something bigger than yourself. I began by volunteering at the Vineyard food pantry. I did this on Tuesdays when they went out and gathered the harvest for the next day’s distribution. I did this because I was not ready for larger crowds, but I felt I could handle a small more intimate group of believers. This opportunity allowed for interaction on a smaller scale and even time alone but also engaged me with a larger team that served a purpose larger than myself and my efforts towards it.
As I began to serve outside of my confinement of my home I was able to begin to look inward and learn some lies that I told myself. I learned to stop comparing myself to others. We are not the other person; we do not have their fruits. God gave us our mission and to Him it is important that we are genuine to ourselves and others in order to fulfill what he designed us to do for his kingdom. I find myself funny at times, but if I compared myself to Robin Williams, I mean we have the same last names, so we are close right? Robin Williams on the outside was the master of “funny” right? As we learned after his death that he also suffered greatly from loneliness and his inner life was chaos. In 2006 when he took his life he answered the question “How long before you decided this was it?” Robin answered “I don’t know I can’t do it on my own and you can’t, that’s the bottom line. I can do this, I can stop, and you really think you can, then you realize “I need help” and that is the operative word.” We don’t know what lurks under peoples outside expressions. If we work on our own expressions, master the tools that God has given us to be his masterful work, then we find freedom from comparison, releasing the grip from our own loneliness. I read one time “ I sometimes feel lonely when I am overwhelmed by human information – the news, social media, TV, negative gossip, etc. – I feel so separate and different to most people.” If social media is the comparison, then I would encourage you to find the most important button on the remote or the device.
I would like to look at loneliness from the idea of sitting with it and allowing Christ to sit beside us while we learn to understand it and accept it in our life. In 2007 Focus on the Family wrote an article titled “The Gift of Loneliness”. This is an excerpt from that article.
Instead of running from loneliness, allow God to use it to draw you closer to Him. When we sink into loneliness and allow it to do its redemptive work by embracing it, it can be a powerful teacher. And as Henri Nouwen writes in his book, The Inner Voice of Love, we may find our “loneliness not only tolerable, but even fruitful.” What do we miss when we run from loneliness and refuse to invite God into it? Ironically, the pain we try to avoid by running can create an even greater inner chaos. We need time alone with God when we are lonely. God calls us to live balanced lives in which we are not afraid of solitude or loneliness, and neither are we afraid to be with others. If you are lonely today, I hope you are encouraged. Remember that God can use your emotional pain to complete you. He has not forgotten you. My prayer is that the next time you are standing in a crowd feeling lonely, that you can press into your loneliness and find God’s gift in it until it passes. Luke 5:16 says, “Jesus withdrew into lonely places, and he prayed.” True, Christ may not have been lonely, but just “withdrew into lonely places.” However, in the same way that his lonely places provided a place of hope for Him, the loneliness you sometimes feel can promote positive change in your life.
Think about this question, what if in our greatest loneliness we could draw closer to God’s heart; to know him like never before? Think about Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, and his journey. I remember when I started this journey three years ago and God said to me “I have come to heal and restore your heart”, I thought - where have I heard that before? It took me a few days and then I realized Jeremiah 30:17 says, “But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the Lord, ‘because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares.’ “ Jeremiah understood loneliness, but he continued on because of his great love for God. Like him I experienced great sadness, depression which was triggered by loneliness. I felt his heart when I spoke and people ignored me, mocked me, called me a liar even when I spoke in truth. I was alone, I felt like I should not be here, I felt rejection, I felt mocked and rebuked. I believed the lies of loneliness, the lie that I should not have to be alone, that I could “fix” myself, and that loneliness was an evil sinful thing that further separated me from God and family. That was even reinforced by a well-meaning church friend and her perception of church truth . All these lies turn us from our higher power Jesus Christ and causes us to rely on ourselves, and I know full well where that led me. These lies are only dislodged by the truth of God, which we find by the ache we feel in our soul which is God calling us to a deeper fellowship with Him.
Jeremiah answered that ache for himself and the people of Israel to be restored back to God in Jeremiah 5. I had to learn to ask for the Lord to restore me back to His heart in the mist of my loneliness. When I found a counselor, began to engage with CR, connected with my church, and began to write – to take those fearless and moral inventories I began to find the path out of the valley of darkness and into the life, light, and freedom of Christ. Now as I have begun to use loneliness as a tool and not as a crutch or a weight I have been led into the next part of my life. From Jeremiah 30:17 where God promised to heal and restore me because I was an outcast of Zion, to a place of Psalm 126. “When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream. Then our mouths were filled with laughter and our tongues with shouts of joy; when they said among the nations “The Lord has done great things for them.” The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad.” Further in Psalms we see in Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Live in the words of Jesus when he said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10. Jesus does not come to give you life…He comes to give you life more abundantly, to the full, or to have a more and better life than they, than you or me, ever dreamed of. How much more abundantly can we live life? We cannot live with our eyes upon Jesus in life abundantly and also embrace the darkness of loneliness. Just as Peter could not walk on water by himself without first putting his eyes squarely on Jesus, and when Peter looked away he went swimming. Instead of fighting he cried out “Lord save Me” and without hesitation Jesus reached out and pulled Peter up. I ask you the same thing Jesus asked Peter at this time in Matt 14:30 “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”
One last suggestion to help battle loneliness is to prepare for battle. If you know an event or season is coming that causes you to relapse into loneliness, prepare in advance for it. As the famous bad guy turned good, Snart said “Make a plan, execute the plan, and when the plan goes awry, throw away the plan and start over with a new plan.” The best made plans may fail but if we plan ahead, have the recovery tools available, and practice using them on a daily basis we can be stronger in this battle. Do you have your tools ready to use? Where is your bible – yes you may have to actually dust it off or take the plastic wrapper off of it, finally. Where are your color books /sketch pad, where is your dog and their favorite ball, your horse and saddle, your yarn and needles? Where is your mental health plan, do you have contacts written down, have you had those talks with your mental health partners? Do what it takes to get you out of the cycle of “My mental health has made me lonely” - “Feeling lonely has damaged my mental health.” Just remember, if you have that internal belief that you are struggling from loneliness -- you are not alone. You are a part of our CR family which means you are loved by a body of believers that want to make the invisible God visible; to bring light to your valley of darkness and to watch you have a more abundant life. Remember Mork's advice “Here is the paradox sir, if everyone did get together, they won’t need one…” Isn’t that God like?
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